Recovering From Try

I am a recovering Try addict.

Truthfully, I don’t know if I’m in recovery yet. Most days I still feel like my Try mechanism is still very much stuck in gear.

But the good news is: my Try is wearing out, like a tire that is nearly bald. So perhaps a crash is still in my future—but I’m no longer afraid of it.

In fact, I would book a ticket for the nose dive if I could.

For a while, my response to the death of my Try was clinical: simply Try Harder. I haven’t met many life circumstances that couldn’t be overcome by iron stubbornness. But please don’t confuse stubbornness with faithfulness. Faithfulness is of the Father’s Spirit and is sustained by trust in His Spirit; stubbornness is what happens when the flesh must kick in to prevent death.

My stubbornness is often fueled by fear.

Faithfulness is altogether different. It feels like lions blood in my veins. It lives unto the manifested passions of Jesus in my heart.

The spirit by which I began is the spirit in which the thing must be maintained. And I meant well.

But the end is in sight, and it must end if I want to begin again, properly.

 

I love my Father’s Spirit.

...the one whose heart is open let him listen carefully to what the Spirit is now saying…

A surgery has begun, and Jesus is discerning the seed of each thing within me. Many things are being severed, too weak to bear fruit or carry weight. They must be reborn.

Sigh. Again.

 

These days, anything that requires Try depletes my tank almost immediately. And I’m thankful for this. I think my Father is doing it. I asked Him to teach me. If not for the instant, draining sinkhole within, I would never stop. I would Try until my knuckles bled and the bones showed through. But Try has been a lonely place. Usually, Try is how I muscle through doing something alone, trying to prove what needs no proof.

 

…the Holy One, the true one, who has David’s key, who opens doors that none can shut and who closes doors that none can open…

If Jesus hasn’t opened the door, it isn’t open. No amount of pounding and pleading or trying will melt the lock or change a mind. If Jesus has opened the door, it is open. No power on earth possesses the ability to close it.

All I can do is open me. That goes against the Code of the Tryer. But it is exactly the heart of the Lover.

This might suck a little. Again.

 

…I know all that you’ve done. Now I have set before you a wide-open door that none can shut…

Try is not the same as Work. Work is a valued tenant in my heart. I love work. I love to give my minutes to things that grow. I love to lay down spent on worthwhile pursuits.

Try is incompatible with genuine self love. It means I lay aside my core preferences, expressions and desires out of a motivation to earn what can only be offered. Try attempts to sell me to buy you.

Try is based in flesh and only lasts as long as human energy can sustain it. It results in loneliness because it reeks of insecurity.

 

Honestly, I have no idea how I am going to unlearn this. I have been trying as long as I can remember.

 

Holy Spirit has laid ahead of my heart a door–an opportunity, a call, a place–that is is truly mine. It exists for me. It wants me. It is why I am here, and I don’t have to contend for it.  I only need to fill it and give myself to it. There are wide-open spaces of heart and purpose to be explored. I can feel them in my spirit.

Or at the very least, I’m really hoping I’m not crazy.

 

…so cling tightly to what you have, so that no one may seize your crown of victory. For the one who is victorious, I will make you to be a pillar in the sanctuary of my God, permanently secure…

There is a “peace, be still” invitation of faith in that for my heart, for the recovering Tryer who is flat on her back, wiped out from years of pounding and whining at closed doors.

There’s no more time to mourn the things that are closed. There is only time to celebrate and enjoy and pursue the things that are wide open.

Starting with me.

 

 

All Scripture taken from Revelation 3—one of my favorite spots in all of scripture.

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